Intro from Niki: Quilters and crafters have always had heart warming and horrific stories of giving gifts that they spent time and love on, and how they are received and appreciated or unappreciated. It is one of life's never-ending struggles, and the following post was in response to a series of posts on this topic. It certainly gives you food for thought.

These are just my thoughts as I've read the posts --

I feel we need to remember that everyone reaches any stage of life carrying the baggage of past experiences. A homemade gift does not in and of itself say "love", nor does a store bought gift say "love". It is a person's past experiences which contribute to how they perceive and react to the gift. If you were a child during the depression, having someone "care enough to spend money on you" could be one way you define love. If someone grew up with "all the material possessions they could want", then maybe something simple and handmade would be an expression of love to them. Whether you call it handmade, homemade, hand crafted, made from the heart -- if you are giving a gift to someone, you should have a relationship with them that allows you to discuss and therefore know their probable reaction to the gift before you make it. While there are "good and bad" ways for a recipient to let someone know they don't want any more handmade gifts, I think it is a positive that they wish to maintain an honest relationship with you, and not feel that your relationship is so fragile that they have to lie to you. I think of the mother in law who said she hoped her daughter in law would love her someday enough to buy her something -- there was history there that formed her values and no amount of homemade gifts will change that. She clearly wanted a good relationship with her daughter in law and I hope for both your sakes you had it.

Concerning the nine hour drive to family -- I don't know how large the gathering was, or how many gifts were involved, but perhaps they were saying " oh dear, we didn't realize what a financial burden all the gifts were to you (and everyone), and we've decided that it would be better to pull names, then you won't have to make homemade gifts." To some people, and this often is true about "older generation" people, a homemade gift is only given when finances won't allow a store bought gift. That is a value, just as many here are saying homemade is wonderful -- which is a value. Both are good values, both are acceptable values. We need to be aware of a person's value system when doing gift giving. In any gathering of people, there will be some for whom a homemade gift is appropriate, and some for whom it isn't.

I believe that a "gift from the heart" is a gift that the recipient will want to own. If you make something that they don't want to own, you aren't making a "gift from the heart" but rather a "gift you want to make and you need someone to give it to."

I think in gift giving in general, we must be careful not to assume that if we would be delighted to receive the gift we are giving someone, then they will also be delighted. That's just not true. My family isn't into receiving quilted items -- so I make charity quilts. These quilts are given to people at a time when they are hurting and vulnerable -- and they gratefully receive them as a token of someone's caring. I do wonder sometimes how many recipients, if they were not in their current difficult circumstances, would have "bought themselves a quilt". I get to make lots of quilts, in whatever styles I want to -- and I don't burden my family with unwanted items they have to pretend to like. I know we can't believe that there are people who don't like quilts -- but there are -- and we should not take their dislike of quilts personally.

Just my musings here in snowy PA -- please don't take anything I've said as an attack on you or your feelings about homemade/handmade gifts.

Barb

©Barbara Garrett January 2005
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